FINAL FANTASY 7 as performed by the cast of FF4
by Rydia Highwind
Summary: Just what the title says. The characters of FF4 are acting out FF7. And I do not believe in type-casting. God, do I not. I'm sorry, Square.
1. Act One : Part One

Note: I am not responsible for the possible and probable brain injury that might occur while reading this fic.  
Warnings: (OH ALL THE WARNINGS) I have blatantly abused every single character in both FF4 and FF7. Yaoi warning. Silliness warning. And yourheadmightcaveinifyoureadthis warning. God, I'm so insane. I'M SORRY.  
  
**FINAL FANTASY VII**  
_as performed by the cast of Final Fantasy IV_  
  
ACT ONE : PART ONE  
  
We pan in on a train slowing down by a station. Three random Toroian dancing girls jump off the train and kick the asses of some guards there. Then a really hot blond guy jumps off the train and gets out a really big sword.  
  
Kain: ..I like spears better.  
  
Shut up. You get a big sword in this story. Anyway. Kain slashes with the big sword and immediately kicks the ass of some other guards.  
  
Kain: Go me. :D  
  
Do you like your sword now? Ha. Before Kain can reply to my commenting, however, a little girl with a gun infused on her arm jumps out of the train too.  
  
Porom: ...This gun-arm is really heavy. x_x;  
  
No, you have to talk the way I taught you!  
  
Porom: Oh! That's right! This here.. I can't say these words! These are words my stupid brother would say. Geez. I'll improvise. This here gun-arm is heavy, yo.  
  
...Five year olds are so bad at ghetto talk.  
  
Kain: I want my money!  
Porom: We're not done with the job, yo.  
Kain: ..Why are you adding "yo" to the end of all your sentences?  
Porom: I'm trying to be ghetto, yo.  
Kain: ....  
Porom: ...It's not working, is it.  
Kain: No.  
  
Meanwhile, the Toroian dancing girls have gotten way ahead so Kain and Porom have to run to keep up. But they do and they get to this big building where Porom makes Kain set a bomb. Then they have to get out of the building in less than ten minutes because that's what Kain set the time for.  
  
Kain: HEY. If I were to set a time bomb while I was STILL INSIDE THE BUILDING, I'd have a little sense and set it for like four hours or something.  
  
Too bad that you're playing Cloud, the psychopathic science project gone horribly wrong. ^_^  
  
Kain: Goddamn it..  
Porom: It's not nice to swear! ^_^;  
  
And you, Porom, you're playing the person with the second dirtiest tongue in the game. Start acting like him!  
  
Kain: Ha, ha!  
Porom: ..You're worse than Palom!!  
  
At any rate, all this mindless babbling has taken up half of the planned escape time and so now Porom and Kain have only five minutes to get out.  
  
Kain and Porom: WHAT?!  
  
You heard me. Run, children, run! Well, at least they're good listeners because they run like hell! Kain and Porom and the three Toroian dancers make it out of the building and, even though they have three more minutes, the bomb goes off early and detonates just as they run out the door. OOPS. Silly Kain set the bomb wrong.  
  
Kain: I did not! You just made that happen.  
  
No, you set it wrong.  
  
Kain: NO, I DIDN'T.  
  
Well, who cares now? I mean, you're out and the building's burning down and stuff. Doesn't really matter that SOMEONE set the bomb wrong!  
  
Kain: Just.. shut up.  
Porom: Everyone, split up and meet at the train station. Cause. Like. Blowing things up is a bad thing and people will be like trying to kill and stuff now. ...yo.  
Kain: Okay.  
  
So the Toroian dancers, Porom, and Kain all split up and go other random places. BUT OH NO. NOW THAT KAIN IS ALONE, HE GETS ATTACKED BY RANDOM VON MUIR TROOPS. However, since he's super cool, he slices them all to ribbons.  
  
Kain: Yay!  
  
However.  
  
Kain: However?  
  
However. In doing so, he missed the train with Porom and the Toroian dancers on it!  
  
Kain: WHAT?!  
Dancing Girl #1: Where is Kain?  
Dancing Girl #2: I hope he's not dead.  
Dancing Girl #3: Yeah, he's hot.  
Dancing Girl #1: Hey, Porom, when do we get our money?  
Porom: Uh.. later?  
  
Dancing Girls #1-3 cower in fear from the shock of the mean words from their giant (as compared to an ant anyway) leader! I know I'm scared! Aren't you?  
  
Porom: Oh, shut up.  
  
Suddenly, they all hear random banging noises. But they ignore them because the fact that I made a special point as to include them in the plot means that they're not important, obviously. Naturally, just as I write that, the door swings open, proving that the banging noises were, in fact, important. And Kain flies in! Yay, Kain!  
  
Kain: Looks like I'm a little late. ::Rufus-esque hair toss::  
Porom: You big meanie! You had us all worried sick!  
Kain: ...sorry.  
Porom: Kay, let's go back to the hideout now that's so incredibly secret because it's in the middle of a popular bar. ...hey, that doesn't make any sense.  
  
Of course, it doesn't.  
  
Porom: ...why is our secret hideout in the middle of a popular bar?  
  
Because I say so. Just go, okay?  
  
Porom: Fine, fine..  
  
After arguing incessantly with the author, Porom, Kain, and the dancing girls finally make it back and they all go into a bar called "Yang's Wife's Seventh Heaven." Boy, that's hard to say.  
  
Yang's wife: Mock my bar again and I'll slam this frying pan into you head.  
Porom: Kay, like today's mission was a success so we're going to do it again tomorrow.  
  
And so they do just that. Except this time, Yang's wife goes along and she has a frying pan and that's really quite scary because Yang's wife is pretty lethal with a frying pan.  
  
Yang's wife: Damn straight. ^_^  
  
Anyway, stuff happens and Kain falls off a cliff or something.  
  
Kain: ...you want to be a little more specific?  
  
No, I really don't. So he falls off a cliff, probably cause Yang's wife got mad and pushed him off. He falls and lands in a church because there just happens to be a church in the slums of Midgar. Not that that makes any sense or anything.  
  
Kain: Ow.  
Tellah: You spoony Dragoon! You're smashing my flowers!  
  
Tellah then begins to pummel Kain mercilessly with his cane. Haha, beating Kain with a cane. That's funny.  
  
Kain: Ow! Ow! Ow! No, it's not!  
Tellah: You're a jerk. These flowers are sacred because they grow in a church. Look, I wear materia in my hair.  
Kain: Dude, you're stupid.  
  
And, needless to say, Tellah begins to beat the crap out of Kain again. Until, of course, Milon, fiend of the earth, comes in with a bunch of his von Muir troopers!  
  
Milon: Hi, we want the old guy. He's an Ancient.  
Kain: Yeah, he's pretty old, but I wouldn't call him ancient.  
Tellah: JERK!  
Kain: Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay, I'll rescue you!  
  
So Kain rescues the flower ancient guy Tellah, who then tries to attack the author for calling him ancient. Goddamn it, Tellah, it's true, you know. Besides, you get to die at the end of this disc.  
  
Tellah: I know, that's why I'm beating the crap out of you all before the end of this disc.  
  
Ow! Ow! Ow! Argh, stupid mage. Where were we? Oh yeah, so Kain rescued Tellah and brought him to his house.  
  
Tellah: No, I want to go with you, stupid.  
Kain: .............why did you have to make him play Aeris? T_T  
  
Because I like to torture you, Kain. Muahahahahahaha.  
  
Kain: Why me...?  
  
Oh, just wait until we get to Wall Market.  
  
Tellah: While on that topic, let's go to Wall Market.  
Kain: ...why do I have this sudden sinking feeling...?  
  
Because this is everyone's favorite part of disc one! The part where the main character gets to dress up like a girl!  
  
Kain: WHAT?!  
  
HAHAHAHAHA! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT! Because, look! It's your dear friend Yang's wife in a cart led by Yang! YANG KIDNAPPED HIS WIFE. Shut up, I didn't do that on purpose.  
  
Kain: ..why do we care?  
Tellah: Oh, is she your GIRLFRIEND?  
Kain: No. She knocked me into your church.  
Tellah: SO SHE'S THE ONE. LET'S GET HER.  
Kain: ....let's not.  
  
But Tellah is good at ignoring Kain and so he drags Kain to Wall Market, where they find out that only females can get into Yang's place. Since Tellah is already wearing his favorite pretty pink dress, that only leaves Kain.  
  
Kain: ARRRRGH, FUCK YOU!  
  
Everyone takes a moment to point and laugh at Kain. Even me. HAHAHAHA! And the audience! If you're reading this, take a moment to point at your screen and laugh. Thank you.  
  
Kain: I hate you. I hate you so much.  
  
That's nice, Kain. Kain puts on a slinky black dress. Oooh, kinky.  
  
Kain: GOOD LORD, YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME SOMETHING MODEST?!  
Tellah: I think you need to get your hair done and put some make up on. Yes, definitely.  
Kain: ...  
  
Kain VERY WILLINGLY goes and gets his hair done and puts make up on because he knows it'd be silly to try and sneak in to Yang's place when it's obvious he's a man. He also gets to stuff because this dress requires boobies. Weee!  
  
Kain: Mind me while I go jump off this bridge.  
Tellah: Oh, you look so PRETTY! :D  
  
Anyway, then they go to Yang's place and some random guy leads them to Yang's outer bedroom thing place, where Yang's wife is waiting. She sees Kain and reacts interestingly.  
  
Yang's Wife: HAHAHAHA. Oh, sorry. ...HAHAHAHA.  
Kain: ...I hate my life.  
Yang's Wife: HAHAHAHA. Who's this old guy in the pink dress?  
Tellah: I'm not old!  
  
Tellah, I wouldn't hit her with your staff.  
  
Tellah: Why not?  
  
Because frying pans are harder than staffs.  
  
Tellah: ...point taken. I'm Tellah. I'm going to die uselessly later in the plot, pissing you all off, and then appear randomly in the ending movie. Nice to meet you.  
Yang's Wife: Did you dress up Kain?  
Tellah: Yes.  
Yang's Wife: I can tell we're going to be friends.  
  
Meanwhile, Yang is such a sexaholic that he can't wait any longer. He pounces over his table and lands in front of Kain.  
  
Yang: I CHOOSE YOU TONIGHT, SWEETIE. :D ACHOO.  
Kain: THE HELL?!  
Yang's Wife: Excuse me, honey, but I'm your WIFE.  
  
Yang gets beaten with a frying pan until he escapes into the inner bedroom with Kain. Kain attempts to beat himself into unconsciousness, but I'm a mean author and I won't let him. IT'S A PADDED ROOM! It also has two separate beds across the room from each other and looks suspiciously like Yang's real bedroom in Fabul castle. NO WONDER YANG DOESN'T HAVE ANY KIDS!  
  
Kain: ...I thought you wanted me for the sex.  
Yang: I know not of this sex you speak of. ACHOO. I just like your body.  
  
Hearing this, Yang's wife bursts into the room.  
  
Yang's Wife: That's a MAN, you freak!  
Yang: Ow! Ow! Ow!  
  
That's right, Yang's being beaten by the frying pan again. Yang hits a button and Kain, Tellah (I don't know how he got there either), and Yang's wife fall down into the sewers. Then stuff happens and there's a lot of things that go boom and suddenly, sector 7 no longer exists!  
  
Tellah: However, seeing as you didn't explain what sector 7 is, does this matter?  
  
Yes! And you got kidnapped! By Rubicante!  
  
Rubicante: Why am I in this story? I was having fun destroying Eblan.  
  
Eblan does not exist in this world. I guess the equivalent of Eblan would probably be like.. Gongaga or something. DAMN IT, SPELL CHECKER, GONGAGA IS A WORD! SO IS EBLAN!  
  
Tellah: My old boyfriend Edge blah blah blah Eblan--I mean Gongaga...  
Reader: ....that's some bad yaoi, there.  
  
It sure is. Almost as bad as FuSoYa and anyone in the entire world. I think I just broke like.. the fifth wall or something. I didn't know this room had five walls. Huh. No really, it looks like there are only four. Strange how I can break the fifth one if there are only four. Does the ceiling count maybe?  
  
Kain: How about we, you know, advance the plot?  
  
Oh, right.  
  
Porom: Hello, I don't know how I got here, but I am here. The Toroian Dancing Girls are dead.  
Kain: Ah, Toroia. Not that it matters.  
Porom: No, not really. Think I should hire some more?  
Kain: I wouldn't worry.  
Porom: All right. Well, I think I supposedly have a daughter or something, but she was never cast, so I won't worry about her either.  
  
Damn it, I forgot Marlene. Use the Mysidian Elder or something.  
  
Porom: O_o;;;; ....  
  
What?  
  
Kain: WELL, ANYWAY. I guess we should probably go rescue Tellah. They probably brought him to that place with all the stuff and things.  
  
Thanks, Kain. You mean, they brought him to the von Muir building.  
  
Kain: YEAH. That's what I meant. Really.  
  
Well, too bad, because I'm sick of writing. So this act is now over. Join us next time to find out what happens next, even though if you're reading this, it probably means you've played FF7 and already know what's going to happen! But you know, of course, that you just want to know who is playing everyone as I'm WITH-HOLDING THE CAST LISTING AS I'M AN EVIL BITCH, MUAHAHA! 


	2. Act One : Part Two

Note: I am not responsible for the possible and probable brain injury that might occur while reading this fic.  
Warnings: (OH ALL THE WARNINGS) I have blatantly abused every single character in both FF4 and FF7. Yaoi warning. Silliness warning. And yourheadmightcaveinifyoureadthis warning. God, I'm so insane. I'M SORRY.  
  
**FINAL FANTASY VII**  
_as performed by the cast of Final Fantasy IV_  
  
ACT ONE : PART TWO  
  
Last time, in This Incredibly Retarded Fanfic, stuff happened and things occurred. If you really don't remember, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO BACK AND READ IT. YEP. YOU SURE ARE. Okay. Anyway.  
  
Kain: We were about to go rescue Tellah.  
Porom: Who is Tellah?  
Kain: That old guy with the materia in his hair.  
Yang's Wife: And the guy who dressed Kain up like a girl. ...HAHAHAHA.  
  
That's right. Kain's still in the dress, isn't he. Cause I never wrote that he took it off. HAHAHAHA.  
  
Kain: Wait, wait, wait! In the game, Cloud gets his normal clothes back!  
  
This isn't the game, now is it, Kain.  
  
Kain: This is not fair. Why doesn't Cloud have to stay in the dress? x_x;  
  
Because I didn't write the game, you moron. Go advance the plot or something.  
  
Kain: I'm on strike until I get some pants.  
Porom: It is rather disconcerting to see him in a dress.  
Yang's Wife: Yes, but amusing as well.  
Kain: STRIKE! NO MORE PLOT TILL I GET PANTS!  
  
Oh, fine. Here, have your stupid Dragoon pants back. I'm tired of writing this exchange anyway. Dumb ass.  
  
Kain: Come over here and say that to my face!  
Porom: You do realize that she's the author, don't you?  
Kain: Sure. And I care why?  
  
A crash of lightning randomly appears from nowhere and hits Kain. The black ash that was Kain's pants falls to the ground and neatly spells out "DUMB ASS".  
  
Porom: She's sort of omnipotent.  
  
I SURE AM.  
  
Kain: Then.. maybe she.. can make me some.. new pants? *coughhackchoke*  
  
Aww, now I feel bad. You are my favorite character, after all. Kain is immediately all better again and with a nice new pair of pants. And on the tag of the pants, it says, "I CONTROL YOUR DESTINY". Good lord, I sound like Jenova. I fear myself.  
  
Yang's Wife: We could have rescued that stupid dress wearing old fogy like twelve times by now. Or do I have to do everything around here myself?  
  
Sorry, Yang's Wife. The three of them go into the von Muir building and kick everyone's asses. Yeah, they're like Ninja Stealth Beard! They're kickin' ass and takin' names! Go them! Yay! Ahem. And then they find Tellah in this tube with a creature that looks surprisingly like Porom, except it seems to have a tail instead of a gun-arm. Jesus Christ on a stick, who cast this story, anyways?  
  
Kain: Um...you?  
  
...yeah, good point. Oh well. You might want to get Tellah out of there before Palom cusses him to death. But before anyone can move, some scary old scientist dude who was type-cast badly walks out from behind a toothpick!  
  
Lugae: Do not hurt my precious specimens!  
Palom: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A SPECIMEN?! I'M A TYPE A BLACK MAGE AND I'M GOING TO FRY YOUR SORRY ASS WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!  
  
Palom, you are a reserved, wise beast. You do not fry asses.  
  
Palom: You don't know what you're talking about. This guy took away my--  
Porom: Shut up!  
  
Porom throws open the door and smacks her brother in the head with her gun-arm, which is a good deal harder than her first and easily knocks Palom across the little tube thing and back into Tellah.  
  
Tellah: OW MY SPLEEN.  
Palom: Goddamn, remind me not to piss her off again. x_o;;;;  
Lugae: GASP, NO! My specimens are damaged! Now you have to fight the guy who plays Zack's parents! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Ghost of Edge: The hell?  
Palom: What the fuck is going on here?!  
  
I'm playing with a magic eye poster! Wee!  
  
Kain: Well, that explains why this plot has suddenly been shot to hell.  
Yang's Wife: I'll say.  
  
Oooh, colors.  
  
Yang's Wife: I'd suggest we forward the plot ourselves, but seeing as we only seem to be able to talk and make emoticons without her intervention, I suppose that'd be sort of pointless.  
Porom: So we just sit here until she regains her senses and makes us move again?  
Yang's Wife: Seems so.  
Kain: I feel like a chess piece.  
  
What? Oh.. I was writing this story, wasn't I. All right. Let's see. Did Tellah die yet?  
  
Kain: Um.. no. We're still rescuing him from the von Muir building.  
Tellah: Oh, the nerve.  
  
Hmm, I'm really tired and can't remember what really happens at this point, so I'm going to make something up.  
  
Porom: Uh, no offense, but isn't that what you've been doing anyways?  
  
No! I've been.. loosely.. following the plot of the game.. sort of. Yeah. But anyways, a bunch of von Muir troopers come and throw you all in jail at the word of...  
  
Professor Kory: ME!  
Yang's Wife: ....wait, if Professor Kory is President Shinra, shouldn't his army be called Kory rather than von Muir?  
  
..actually, I didn't cast a President Shinra to start with, so I had to improvise when I remembered that he needed to be in the story. So the troops are named after the character that plays Rufus rather than the character that plays President Shinra.  
  
Professor Kory: It's a stupid agreement, but I die soon anyway. And when I say die, I mean stealthily sneak from the room while whoever plays Sephiroth stabs a cardboard cut out of myself.  
Tellah: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.  
  
No. No, it's not.  
  
Tellah: You're not going to let me, are you.  
  
No. I'm not. Anyway, everyone was in jail now, but in the middle of the night following, Kain wakes up to see the door to the cell open and a trail of banana peels leading down the hallway.  
  
Kain: ...banana peels?  
  
Yes, banana peels. Because the whole trail of blood thing scared the crap out of me. Banana peels are much less fear-inducing. Besides, it fits the character in some weird sense that no one will understand but me and a few others.  
  
Kain: ...banana peels.  
  
Shut up and follow the trail.  
  
Kain: Who the hell is playing Sephiroth? A monkey?  
  
Kain follows the trail because I'm the author and I say he does. It leads all the way up to the top floor, which is Professor Kory's office. In the chair behind the desk, though, there is a very large sword stabbed through a cardboard cutout of Professor Kory. And there are banana peels everywhere. Kain is horrified by the sight, oh yes he is.  
  
Kain: I'm horrified by a sword stuck through a piece of cardboard and banana peels?  
  
Yes.  
  
Kain: ...right.  
  
Suddenly, the rest of the cast appears because I forgot to make them follow Kain. Whoops.  
  
Yang's Wife: This could only be the work of one man. GOLBEZ!  
  
DUN DUN DUN. I'll bet no one saw THAT coming. Damn, my casting skills are great. GREAT, I TELL YOU. WONDERFUL! They are almost superior to my writing skills! But nothing can defeat the PURE GENIUS that is this fic. Oh, no.  
  
Palom: Does she ever shut up?  
Kain: No.  
Yang's Wife: Except when she gets distracted by looking at Magic Eye posters.  
  
Oh, come on. Advance the plot.  
  
Kain: You're one to talk.  
  
Shut up.  
  
Porom: Ahem. I for one remember that the author is omnipotent and so I will take her suggestion and forward the plot. If President.. er.. Professor Kory is dead, who is president now?  
Edward: I AM!  
Palom: Whoa. Dude, how did you get cast as Rufus?  
Edward: ...I really have no idea.  
Yang's Wife: I think it's the hair.  
  
I really don't remember why I cast him as Rufus. Anyways, Kain decides that he has to kill Edward because Edward is too sexy.  
  
Kain: That's not why I was going to kill him! I wanted to chop the head off of the von Muir company by killing the acting president!  
  
I said it's cause he's sexier than you and you got jealous.  
  
Tellah: He is sexier, Kain..  
Edward: I did NOT need to hear that from an old guy in a dress.  
Tellah: I'M NOT OLD!!!  
Kain: Just go away so I can kill him.  
  
So everyone leaves and Kain and Edward battle it out to the death! Actually they don't, but that sounded nicer than saying they battled until Edward's harp broke and he did his hide attack and ran off, leaving Kain scratching his head and wondering where Edward ran off to. Finally he figured it out and went downstairs to where everyone else was waiting.  
  
Porom: How are we going to escape?  
Tellah: THROUGH THE CEILING!  
Palom: Dude, and they say I'm on crack.  
Kain: Yang's Wife, get that truck and I'll get the motorcycle!  
Yang's Wife: Over-compensation, Kain. It still won't make you sexier than Edward.  
Kain: SHUT UP.  
  
So Yang's Wife stole a truck thing and Tellah, Palom, and Porom all jumped in with her and they took off. Kain had a motorcycle because he's insecure and felt the need to look cool.  
  
Kain: IT WAS THE ONLY VEHICLE LEFT, DAMN IT.  
  
Whatever. Anyway, they rode around for a while and Kain beat up some random people on motorcycles cause he thought they looked cooler than him.  
  
Kain: They were von Muir troopers trying to kill us!  
  
Right.  
  
Kain: They WERE.  
  
Suddenly, everyone is outside of Midgar! And they go to Kalm cause it's right near by! Yay, them! And they get a hotel room upstairs and stuff! Wow! This is boring! Let's cut to the chase, boys!  
  
Palom: Look! I have a tail! HAHA! And it's on fire! HAHA!  
Porom: Oh, shut up.  
  
Porom brandishes her gun-arm and Palom cowers in fear.  
  
Porom: So anyways, Kain, tell us about Golbez. Since you're the main character, you should know all about him.  
Kain: All right. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flashback scene.  
  
START FLASHBACK SCENE HERE.  
  
We see a younger Kain in the back of a truck with a handsome silver haired guy with a sticker on his shirt that says, "Hi! My name is Golbez!" which was only added in the American version of the fic because Americans are stupid and won't otherwise be able to figure out who Golbez is. Of course, there is no other version of the fic, but let's look past that for now, shall we?  
  
Kain: Blah blah blah materia blah blah!  
Golbez: You're dumb.  
  
Kain sulks a moment, and then starts babbling again.  
  
Kain: Blah blah mission blah be like you blah!  
Golbez: ...sorry, kid, you're still dumb.  
Driver: OMFG LIEK WE JUST RAN 1NT0 A MNSTR!!!1111 WUT DO WE OD???///  
  
Just so you know, the driver's name is ZEROMUS! No, just kidding. His name is Carl. I'm sure that will come in VERY important later on. Anyways, Golbez and Kain get out of the truck and Golbez gives the monster a dirty look and it dies. Just to prove his powerfulness for later on. And then they get back in the truck.  
  
Carl: LOL OMFG UR SO KEWL, GOBLEZ!!1111 :)))  
Golbez: ...shut up.  
Kain: Where are we going?  
Golbez: Nibelheim.  
Kain: Hey, I think I was like born there or something.  
Golbez: How very wonderful for you. Is my part in this story done yet?  
  
Sorry, Golby. You're the main villain being controlled by some unseen force.. again. Have a banana.  
  
Golbez: Oh, banana. You are my only love.  
Banana: Lessthanthree.*  
  
So Golbez and the banana have a love affair, which involves the stripping of the banana (but not Golbez cause Golbez is seme and everyone knows semes don't take their pants off to have sex), and then they arrive in Nibelheim.  
  
Kain: Yay, home.  
Golbez: This place looks strikingly familiar, but I'm sure that means nothing.  
  
A whole bunch of stuff happens, like Kain goes to his house and his mom tells him he's gay and then he goes to Yang's Wife's house and steals her underwear and stuff.  
  
Kain: Wait, my mom never--  
  
Quiet, you. She did because I said so.  
  
Kain: But I'm not--  
  
Right. Then tell me then why you were wearing a dress.  
  
Kain: ...dress? I've never...  
  
Oh, my bad. That doesn't happen for another five years. Sorry about that.  
  
Kain: ...dress? Am I crazy?  
  
Pretty much.  
  
Kain: ...well that certainly puts a damper on my outlook on life.  
  
Anyways, the very next day, the mission begins and stuff. Kain oversleeps and is late and that's most certainly not a trait of Edge or anything. He gets to the place where Golbez is, and sees Yang's Wife there, woo!  
  
Golbez: You idiot, you overslept.  
Kain: Sorry, dude.  
Golbez: Anyway, this is Yang's Wife and she's our guide.  
Yang's Wife: Hey, aren't you that dumb kid who I made promise to save me?  
Kain: Wow, you remembered me!  
  
So they set off to go to the Nibelheim reactor cause it was being stupid and they needed to fix it. Yang's Wife leads the way, and leads them straight to this bridge that looked very sturdy. So naturally, it breaks when they get to the middle of it. And they all fall screaming as they plummeted into the valley, except for Golbez, who is murmuring curses at bridges in general. After much travel and useless exposition that makes Kain look like a blathering idiot, they make it to the reactor.  
  
Yang's Wife: Yay! I want to go in.  
Golbez: You can't cause you suck.  
Kain: Yeah, and we're cool!  
Golbez: Shut up, Kain.  
Yang's Wife: HARUMPH!  
  
Yang's Wife stamps her foot in frustration, as though it does any good cause they leave one of the Toroian Dancing Girls they hired to make sure she doesn't come in. Inside the reactor, they see a door that says "Zemus" at the top. Golbez falls to his knees and screams.  
  
Golbez: MY MOTHER'S NAME WAS ZEMUS! I'M NOT HUMAN!  
Kain: Whoa, dude.  
  
END FLASHBACK SCENE HERE.  
  
Porom: Wait, so that's the end of your story?  
Kain: No, but I think the author wants to end the chapter here.  
  
Damn straight, I do! So Act One Part Two is finished here. This is going to be a long fic, isn't it! Hopefully, my computer will not crash sixty two times in the time it takes me to write the next part, which will involve fiery death for Kain's mom, whoever that may be!!!!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
* Make a less than sign and then add a three. Seriously. Do it. DO IT NOOOOOW. 


End file.
